I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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