There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
