he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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