wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
