you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
