I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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