I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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