you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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