This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
