and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
