what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
