Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
