My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
