If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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