i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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