You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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