Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
