The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
