new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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