Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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