Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
