I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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