wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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