Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
