I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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