Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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