You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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