Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
