I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
