can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
