Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
