is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
