apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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