The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
