i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
