I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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