I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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