In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
