"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
