How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
