If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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