he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Drake has all the answers
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
