there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
