We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So much rum. So many feels.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
