i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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