Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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