im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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