made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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