the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
