I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
