She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
