I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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