as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
