At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
