and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
