She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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