So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
