The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
