i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
COCAINE IS GR8
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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